I have been contemplative lately about my life and the realm of possibility that I wish not to squander. The coming of a new year does this to many of us, it’s a new start, fresh tablet of ideas and sometimes a new adventure or a way to get things on track.
My new year came early and I did not realize it at the time. It’s one of those things that I go through since having a head injury and a seizure disorder; I have what I call Seizure Time or clock, not like any other time to anyone else it is the resetting of an internal clock that ticks down time based on the last seizure. It works like this; I have a seizure and then after I begin to count days later it turns to weeks, then months and hopefully years from the last seizure. I know it sounds odd but I learned this growing up because everyone would say, “You are doing great.” and then the dreaded question,” How long has it been since you had a seizure.” So you get the picture my life revolved around moments of wellness and progress in between seizures. By the way I know no one meant it to freak me out they were just hopeful and concerned. I look back and think about my family as I write this, because they too lived on Seizure Time, only theirs was a little different in that I am sure they had a sense of anxiety or doom waiting for another one. Because they had to be on watch and needed to be prepared for me to have one any time. They like me would get more relaxed about it as time went on.
I was a kid, so I realized this later in life and later in life I would get sense of doom waiting for it to happen again too, but usually right after one had occurred. It is a trigger to something else I live with; Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which is a bigger thing than the seizure itself. It was and is a great accomplishment to go for a long time without one. I hate to admit it but for me not having a seizure for a long time is something that I hold on to, it gives me a sense of security and freedom. Those two things are a hot commodity for me, for they haven’t been felt in great depth most of my life. The other thing I think is important to point out though is that I don’t sit around waiting for a seizure to happen. I don’t live my life in fear of them or I wouldn’t be living at all. In fact, quite the opposite I have lived in spite of all the false sense of security that a little time between seizures creates.
So this brings me to where my New Year began; on December 13,2013, which I didn’t realize that day but my Seizure Clock had turned over for the fourth year. It is the first time in my life that has happened; that I have gone for four year without one. So Happy New Year and may your Seizure Clock run a very long time and may you get a sense of security knowing or just maybe believing that it could be possible one day you may not have another. I am still hopeful. Yeah I am a glass half-full person most of the time; which brings me to the other reason I am writing this.
I have some things to overcome and they aren’t small things, they are big things and one is getting my book Published it is time. I have to give up whatever weird fears I have about not being a good enough writer and just do it. I will let the world know when it is out for everyone to buy. The others not in any order of priority are losing weight by bicycling, and saving some money. I think other things will fall into place once I am just working on those goals; that’s how my life works. I have something that I say I will do, I work myself up to it and little by little I get it done. I am a process driven person. So Don’t Rush Me! Just give me a little Nudge every now and again.