To Beautiful To Question Why
I was surprised the other night when I found a letter, I wrote to God. I am not one to pray often and I always joke that God always listens to me because he says,” STOP everything, let me listen to this one… Amy is asking for something.” I am not a Christian but there are times whether I really feel that it will make a difference or not or whether I really grasp the idea of God or not, I find myself praying. Usually in letterform because I think the act of writing is what probably helps me most. I don’t even believe that God is Omnipotent as many Christians do as their faith drives them to call on God and pray for answers and hope and guidance. I certainly can’t knock it. If it helps people, I think they should do it. To Christians I know it’s more than that, it’s a relationship
Let me also say that even though I’m not a Christian I believe in Angels, OK so call me mixed up, misinformed, not one who understands Christianity. Nevertheless, I believe in Angels because when I was in the hospital in 1973 one came to me at night and woke me and said to me, “You are going to be all right.” It was after I was in a room overlooking a graveyard and I thought that I might be under one of those headstones soon. I could not tell anyone why I was crying and couldn’t sleep because I wasn’t able to speak because of my head injury and my mouth was wired shut because I had a broken jaw. I was nine and it was the first time I thought about death and I think that no child should have think about dying.
I wrote this letter in 2013 but I can’t say now everything that was troubling me.
I’m afraid- I fear that all I’ve tried to do with my life could crumble around me if I can’t get my work done. It seems the harder I try the less respected I feel. The more honest I am the more people take advantage of that honesty. It also seems the more I want to write the less I actually do. At times I feel like I’m failing and it gets overwhelming.
Please help me except the things I cannot change, work and live up to my own dreams, and forgive others for their failings even though I may not receive the same in return.
There are pieces of me missing and I cannot figure out what all of them are. I have personal and emotional shortcomings that I don’t know how to overcome.
Sometimes I am not proud of who I am as the wrong thing flies out of my mouth.
My true passions dwindle at the thought of my potential success, I fear all the work, personal, and others will not lead me to what I truly desire. I want desperately to overcome my insecurities about my writing so I can finish my book.
I fear I will lose my house if I cannot pay my taxes and I worry about my health as I feel my stomach is in constant knots.
I want to not just help me but others and I cannot get away from the thought that I can barely help myself. I am so easily distracted from important things and fall back on all the things I have control over seeking some kind of order. It is all so ineffectual and then I am left with a hollow sense of what it truly is that I should be doing.
I know I cannot save the world but I want to be able to save myself and help a few along the way or maybe better, help many.
Dear God, give me my health and give me clarity, help me overcome my trust issues and insecurities.
Soon after, I wrote this, it became clear to me what I had to do. I began this blog and it helped me feel better about my writing even though it actually took time to figure out how to use it. The workings of a webpage were all illusive to me. I began to write more and felt creative energy flowing through me and I received a lot of feedback on my writing, which made me realize I can DO THIS! It made me a better writer.
I received some help from people that love me with my taxes. In the process of being very vulnerable and feeling humiliated and scared I wrote a letter to the Town Council. I requested that they consider helping the people in Town by reducing many people’s overdue taxes because many of us were struggling, not just me. By writing this letter the Town being $96,000 dollars in the red, because people were not, able to pay their taxes they suddenly gained 80-90 percent of it back in 45 days, by adjusting people’s bills. This happened because people pulled together in the Town and friends who wanted to help me; inspired me. A letter, one simple letter and bearing my soul for a greater good and mine as well, accomplished all that.
The other thing that happened was that I became more focused and less fearful of the work I produced and started to feel better about me and then gained another 2 years of being seizure FREE.
I call it Humanism, if set your mind to something; you can do it. Some may call it God. Maybe Angels were looking out for me. I do not really know except that writing a letter, a prayer to God, made me feel a weight lifted from me. I can’t say that God helped me, except that the concept of being able to talk or write something to an entity that doesn’t judge or talk back made this an easy way to solve my problems. I found insight into how to act and make things better for myself, somehow that helped others, and they helped me.
I write to live better and I live to write better.